Friday, January 3, 2014

Claudia Marie

Hi.  My name is Cathie.  When I was 9, my mother shot herself.  She committed suicide.  She left us.  I was the oldest, my sister was 7 and my brother was 2 months.  I remember thinking she killed herself because of me.  She knew my father was molesting me and she left me.  I was the oldest.  I had to be the mother to my younger brother and sister, unless someone in the family stepped up and took care of us. 

An aunt came to stay with us.  She brought 5 of my cousins.  No one explained what was going on.  No one asked us how we were.  No one hugged us and assured us that everything would be okay. 

We were not allowed to grieve.  No one talked about her afterwards.  It was almost as if she just hadn't existed.  Another aunt took in my brother, to them he was now their child.  My sister and I went to live with my father's mother. 

My grandmother was the not grandmotherly type.  She didn't explain anything, she didn't hug us.  When my mom died, all the love I'd known was gone.  I lost my first love.  I have a hole in my heart that will never be filled; regardless of how much love I have in my life.  In my life, I love her more.

I'd made a promise to myself that I wouldn't do the same, I wouldn't leave my brother, who I felt very close and protective over.  As a teen, I was so depressed.  I became withdrawn from the family.  They didn't know how to talk to me, they just wanted to send me away.  They didn't understand me, and never tried.  I swallowed a lot of those feelings.  I would hold a knife to my wrist, wanting to end the pain, but couldn't because of my brother.

My second semester in college wasn't going so well.  I was not prepared for real life.  One day, I just decided I was going to kill myself.  I went to get my paycheck cashed and sleeping pills.  I stopped at McDonald's and got a chicken sandwich combo.  As I was eating that meal, I was crying and taking those pills.  Nothing was going to stop me!

When I didn't feel anything happening, I went to get another box of sleeping pills. I swallowed a total of 32 sleeping pills that day.  I arrived home and puked.  Then I went to lay down on my bed.  I remember seeing ants and spiders all over the place.  I sprayed them with bug spray.  It all seemed like a dream. 

I told 2 people at the time that I attempted to end my life.  One was my brother, when he was old enough to understand better.  I made another promise that I never would.  This time, I also made a promise to myself.