Tuesday, September 30, 2014

The Dream

Painting by Raela Marie Villanueva
This poem, "The Dream" was inspired by a dream Raela had one week after her brother died.  In the dream, her brother came to Raela one last time to say goodbye.

The Dream

I had a dream of you the other night,
And in that dream everything was alright;
I dreamt that you were alive and well,
Was this dream real? I just can’t tell.

We hugged and laughed and talked for awhile,
I saw your face and your beautiful smile;
We were together just like before,
If it’s a dream and it’s real I want to dream more.

Please don’t go yet I have so much to say,
I want you to know before you go on your way;
Even though it’s a dream it’s so real to me,
Your beauty is all that I can see.

Your energy feels so pure and strong,
I feel as if I just don’t belong;
You radiate your light so true,
As the dream ends I grab onto you.

I don’t want to wake for the end is near,
Your voice is all that I can hear;
I wake from my slumber the dream is gone,
I rise to meet the early dawn.

Written by Raela Marie Villanueva

For Jr. 8/7/74 – 3/30/97

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Saturday, September 6, 2014


Lisa McDonald

Today (Thursday, September 4th, 2014) marks 2 years since the passing of my wife, Lisa. Even though 2yrs is just a drop in the bucket of time....thanks to SOS I have learned a lot. Though my views/knowledge may be infantile in the growth stimulated by her death...This is what I have learned so far.

1. She did not do this because she was selfish (If she would've had a choice, this is NOT what she would've chosen for herself or our children)

2. I can no-longer beat myself up with the should've, would've, could'ves. (Even though I like to think the properly placed hug, "I Love You", advice or consult would've stopped this...and may have stopped it a hundred times before...without her seeking the help she needed this was inevitable)

3. My children and I were blessed to have had all the time we did get with her and the things we learned from her are priceless. (It feels better to focus on all the life we got to live with her and smile than it is to focus on how much life she is no longer sharing with us and feeling torn up)

4. She wanted us to LIVE....she only wanted HER exit not ours. In her mind of the moment she believed she was unburdening us of her problems (sad I know), But she wanted us to live and share in joy that she assumed she could no longer feel or provide.

5 People around me do not know how to deal with Survivors...a lot of foot in mouth that requires forgiveness or requires a friendship adjustment.

6. My children and I are no longer the same people we were.

7. I cannot control other peoples actions...only the amount of involvement they have in my life.

8. EVERYONE is an expert of grief...except for those who are going through it.

9. I had to learn to be empathetic to other peoples problems....I know their problems do not have the depth or darkness that my grief journey holds and in turn I thank God that they do not or cannot feel that depth...that makes me happy. ("Be kind for everyone you meet is experiencing a hard struggle).

10. You will NEVER get over grief, you can only go directly through it. (Head first with tears in my eyes, a golf ball in my throat, and misplaced laughter)

This is my journey and everyone else's is different, as different as the people we have all lost to suicide...yet as I go to more and more meetings I realize a lot of our travel is super similar, just like our loved ones had their similarities..ie. They were smart (really smart), always had a good heart, a smile for everyone and they each left a huge hole that has become our job to fill with LOVE (it hopefully drips on others).

Thank you for letting me express myself...and thank you for the people in my group who allow me to share my own twisted view of grief... you all mean the world to me...whether a first timer or old timer. SOS has made my insanity seem sane.

-  Charles McDonald