Inner Monologue Ep. 13 - Jessica Nicely - Founder of Wingded Hope

  

This week on Inner Monologue we have Jessica Nicely, founder of Winged Hope, a nonprofit organization which advocates against child abuse and domestic violence.  Jessica shares her story of living through child abuse, her transformation from victim to advocate and how self awareness is the root to all growth.

To learn more about Winged Hope and Jessica go to

www.wingedhope.com and www.JessicaNicely.com 

Order a copy of All My Friends Are Zeros

Illustration by Sharon Stelluto.  

Learn more about Sharon at www.sharonstelluto.com

All Music in this podcast is provided by Cloudkicker.  

To learn more go to www.cloudkickermusic.com

Inner Monologue Ep. 12 - Charles McDonald - Survivor/ Chaos in Mental Illness

This week I am joined by survivor, Charles McDonald.  Charles brings an intense wisdom when telling the tale of his wife's suicide.  We also discuss being held hostage by an addictive mind, how all of our control in life is confined by a hula hoop and the amazing drug that is adrenaline. 

Illustration by Sharon Stelluto.  

Learn more about Sharon at www.sharonstelluto.com

All Music in this podcast is provided by Cloudkicker.  

To learn more go to www.cloudkickermusic.com

Other music by David Avatara.  

To learn more go to www.davidavatara.com

REFLECTIONS of a SURVIVOR

Lisa McDonald

Today (Thursday, September 4th, 2014) marks 2 years since the passing of my wife, Lisa. Even though 2yrs is just a drop in the bucket of time....thanks to SOS I have learned a lot. Though my views/knowledge may be infantile in the growth stimulated by her death...This is what I have learned so far.

1. She did not do this because she was selfish (If she would've had a choice, this is NOT what she would've chosen for herself or our children)

2. I can no-longer beat myself up with the should've, would've, could'ves. (Even though I like to think the properly placed hug, "I Love You", advice or consult would've stopped this...and may have stopped it a hundred times before...without her seeking the help she needed this was inevitable)

3. My children and I were blessed to have had all the time we did get with her and the things we learned from her are priceless. (It feels better to focus on all the life we got to live with her and smile than it is to focus on how much life she is no longer sharing with us and feeling torn up)

4. She wanted us to LIVE....she only wanted HER exit not ours. In her mind of the moment she believed she was unburdening us of her problems (sad I know), But she wanted us to live and share in joy that she assumed she could no longer feel or provide.

5 People around me do not know how to deal with Survivors...a lot of foot in mouth that requires forgiveness or requires a friendship adjustment.

6. My children and I are no longer the same people we were.

7. I cannot control other peoples actions...only the amount of involvement they have in my life.

8. EVERYONE is an expert of grief...except for those who are going through it.

9. I had to learn to be empathetic to other peoples problems....I know their problems do not have the depth or darkness that my grief journey holds and in turn I thank God that they do not or cannot feel that depth...that makes me happy. ("Be kind for everyone you meet is experiencing a hard struggle).

10. You will NEVER get over grief, you can only go directly through it. (Head first with tears in my eyes, a golf ball in my throat, and misplaced laughter)

This is my journey and everyone else's is different, as different as the people we have all lost to suicide...yet as I go to more and more meetings I realize a lot of our travel is super similar, just like our loved ones had their similarities..ie. They were smart (really smart), always had a good heart, a smile for everyone and they each left a huge hole that has become our job to fill with LOVE (it hopefully drips on others).

Thank you for letting me express myself...and thank you for the people in my group who allow me to share my own twisted view of grief... you all mean the world to me...whether a first timer or old timer. SOS has made my insanity seem sane.

-  Charles McDonald

Claudia Marie

Hi.  My name is Cathie.  When I was 9, my mother shot herself.  She committed suicide.  She left us.  I was the oldest, my sister was 7 and my brother was 2 months.  I remember thinking she killed herself because of me.  She knew my father was molesting me and she left me.  I was the oldest.  I had to be the mother to my younger brother and sister, unless someone in the family stepped up and took care of us. 

An aunt came to stay with us.  She brought 5 of my cousins.  No one explained what was going on.  No one asked us how we were.  No one hugged us and assured us that everything would be okay. 

We were not allowed to grieve.  No one talked about her afterwards.  It was almost as if she just hadn't existed.  Another aunt took in my brother, to them he was now their child.  My sister and I went to live with my father's mother. 

My grandmother was the not grandmotherly type.  She didn't explain anything, she didn't hug us.  When my mom died, all the love I'd known was gone.  I lost my first love.  I have a hole in my heart that will never be filled; regardless of how much love I have in my life.  In my life, I love her more.

I'd made a promise to myself that I wouldn't do the same, I wouldn't leave my brother, who I felt very close and protective over.  As a teen, I was so depressed.  I became withdrawn from the family.  They didn't know how to talk to me, they just wanted to send me away.  They didn't understand me, and never tried.  I swallowed a lot of those feelings.  I would hold a knife to my wrist, wanting to end the pain, but couldn't because of my brother.

My second semester in college wasn't going so well.  I was not prepared for real life.  One day, I just decided I was going to kill myself.  I went to get my paycheck cashed and sleeping pills.  I stopped at McDonald's and got a chicken sandwich combo.  As I was eating that meal, I was crying and taking those pills.  Nothing was going to stop me!

When I didn't feel anything happening, I went to get another box of sleeping pills. I swallowed a total of 32 sleeping pills that day.  I arrived home and puked.  Then I went to lay down on my bed.  I remember seeing ants and spiders all over the place.  I sprayed them with bug spray.  It all seemed like a dream. 

I told 2 people at the time that I attempted to end my life.  One was my brother, when he was old enough to understand better.  I made another promise that I never would.  This time, I also made a promise to myself.