By
Laura Baran
posted on May 14th, 2013
Laura Baran
posted on May 14th, 2013
By
Laura I miss my brother Jeff. He killed
himself in 2000. He was born in 1980. He would have been 33 today.
Jeff was 20 when he died. I was 23. I pray to release the guilt and regret. I pray that I will allow myself to honor him still even though I fully release guilt, and regret about his death, and what I could have done better. He's still alive in memory without those things. What do they add, nearly 13 years later? What do they do? Do they help me grieve? Suicide is so complex. Why don't we just escape instead? I suppose that's what I finally did.
I will not be quiet. I will not bury my memories and feelings. I will talk. I will cry if I'm sad.
Jeff was 20 when he died. I was 23. I pray to release the guilt and regret. I pray that I will allow myself to honor him still even though I fully release guilt, and regret about his death, and what I could have done better. He's still alive in memory without those things. What do they add, nearly 13 years later? What do they do? Do they help me grieve? Suicide is so complex. Why don't we just escape instead? I suppose that's what I finally did.
Jeff's legacy is a mile of kindness. It's an acre of
creativity. It's a treasure chest gleaming with jokes and laughter. It's music.
It's film. It's moments of bliss being with him. It's love. Love of children.
Animals. Sick people. Old people. It's a voice. Strength. Saying what he felt
was right. Justice. A strong sense of ethics. Saving my life.
I'm trying to help myself escape into a fantasy and make it
my every day life. I can definitely do more. I'm trying to help others escape
into loving themselves so they feel less alone and more connected.
I'm trying to show people that creativity can help them
become their own best friend.
I will not be quiet. I will not bury my memories and feelings. I will talk. I will cry if I'm sad.
I will play music and paint. I will write like I'm doing
now. I will share my feelings. I will ask for help. I will receive help. I will
consider myself worthy of being helped. I will help others feel worthy of being
helped. I will help others to learn to ask for help.
I am putting beauty into the world with my paintings.
I am nobody's punching bag anymore. And I don't even need to
punch anyone to feel better. I don't stoop to that level. I show them how it's
done. I always want to be about showing them how it's done. That's what Jeff
did.
For Jeff, here are 33 things I do, and maybe you can do too,
to feel better.
1 Paint
nails
2 Makeup
3 Put
on an awesome outfit
4 Buy
flowers
5 Smell
flowers
6 Play
with a dog
7 Play
with a child
8 Take
a long walk
9 Lay
on the grass
10 Hug a tree
11 Dance
12 Watch comedy
13 Take a bath
14 Essential oils
15 Massage
16 Sex
17 Body grooming
18 Clean a room
19 Shower
20 Breathe with attention
21 Meditate
22 Call someone you trust
23 Scream
24 Write
25 Pick things up off the floor
26 Feel it
27 Cry
28 Sunbathe
29 Affirmation painting
30 Favorite music, listen
31 Sing
32 Smile in the mirror, say something super
loving and sweet
33 Do whatever relaxes you
Originally posted on May 14th, 2013
TThe original article blog can be found here
To learn more about Laura Baran go to:
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